“The children who need encouragement the most, get it the least.” Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs.
If we manage to stay calm and positive, even when we don’t like our children’s behaviour, we are demonstrating the qualities we want our children to develop; self-control; maturity; being considerate, and thinking constructively about solutions, rather than complaining.
We also show something else very important – that we are in charge. If we let our children control our mood, we are no longer in charge. Staying calm and positive is not always easy, however, the more we practise; the easier it will be to stay positive. Similarly, the more we think about solutions, the more solutions we will find!
Some common expressions we use:
• How many times have I told you to….
• Why are you always the last one to….
• All you ever do is….
• The trouble with you is ….
• Slow down/ Hurry up….
• Why can’t you just do what you are told?
And now how to be more positive…
• First, bite your tongue, and take a deep breath.
• Then ask yourself what the child needs to get it right next time
• A few questions you can ask yourself: Does the child know how to do what you require? If no – he/she needs to be taught. If yes – do they know that they are supposed to do it at a certain time/place/way?
• You need to make your expectations clear. e.g. “I want you to put your bag away as soon as you enter the house, before even going to the toilet.”
• Do you need to set a standard with a consequence? This will motivate the child to do the right thing.
It is easier to stay positive if you focus on solutions rather than concentrate on the problem. Instead of saying discouraging things when you don’t like a child’s behaviour, you can say what you need in more positive ways.
For example:
• “That was just stupid” to: “Can you spot the mistake you made?” or “If you were going to have another go, what would you do differently?” • “You are such a rude boy” to: “What you said right now sounded rude to me. How can you say it without sounding rude?”
• “You are a naughty girl” to: “I don’t like it when you…” Then tell her what you do expect, and be sure to say thank-you afterwards!
