If you are irritated by your child’s whining or other incessant undesirable behaviours, it is very likely they’re behaving that way to get attention, and, it is very difficult not to be drawn into it…
There is a delicate art to ignoring negative behaviours.
What many people do when they are trying to ignore is actually ‘stonewalling’, that is; ignore the child and act as if they are not there. For a child who is acting out because they are looking for connection, this usually makes the behaviour worse. Their only option is to step up the ‘annoying factor’ until you finally crack. If you don’t give in, then most children will eventually realise that what they are doing isn’t working, and will stop.
That being said however, there are smarter, less stressful ways of ignoring…
Some ideas to try:
1. IGNORE THE BEHAVIOUR, NOT THE CHILD (the overriding premise) Don’t ‘notice’ the attention seeking behaviour. Notice the other things they are doing and be sure to say that they are positive. This is really good for socially unacceptable behaviours, such as nose picking, toilet talk, and spitting, etc. I heard one story of a child who ate paper any time his mum turned her back. After 2 years she found out from the doctor that a few days of having paper in the digestive system would not hurt, and then ‘stopped noticing’ the paper consumption. After three days it stopped.
2. ALL ACTION, NO TALK Best used if the behaviour is destructive or unsafe. Usually a child who is attention seeking knows the things they are not supposed to be doing; therefore, there is no need to tell them again. Just DO whatever corrective action is required. E.g. If your child is banging the paper weight on the table, take the paper weight away.
3. DISTRACTION Remember that your child is looking for connection in the only way they can think of at the time. Telling them to stop will work, because they got your attention, but it will start up again, sometimes immediately. So, get them to feel connected by engaging in something positive, without mentioning the undesired behaviour. E.g. When Jessica decides to busy herself pulling the leaves off your mandarin tree, tell her you need some help with watering the garden bed. You can talk about the negative behaviour later when she is feeling connected again, to help her choose other ways to get your attention.
4. REDIRECTION Redirection is similar, and involves showing them the proper way to go on with what they are doing. E.g. If Sophie is playing with the garden hose and spraying water all over the washing, show her what she can water and for how long. Then you can even thank her for her help!
5. TEACH OTHER WAYS TO GET ATTENTION In calm times, tell your child that you feel irritated when they ”act up”. Let them know that they can tell you they need a hug; that they would like to tell you something, or that they would like to play a game. Be explicit about times when you can do things together and times when they have to be independent. Discuss things that they can do during these times. Get them to make up a special box of toys they can play with when you are on the phone. When the phone rings, remind them about what you have discussed, or make up a hand signal that will remind them that they have forgotten and they need to go back to the activities they agreed to. Remember to let them know that you noticed when they manage to stick to the plan.
Good luck, and remember – the key to successful ignoring is to ignore the behaviour, not the child.
