No one enjoys being told “no”, but it can be especially frustrating when it comes repeatedly from young children, and, with attitude.
If you are getting the “No!” response far too often, here are some ideas to reduce them:
1. Give choices that can’t be answered by yes or no. E.g. “Do you want to wear your yellow t-shirt or your red t-shirt?” “Do you want me to read ‘Cinderella’ or ‘The bear who followed the rainbow’?” “Do you want to take the bins out now or in 15 minutes?”
2. Tell instead of asking. Asking surrenders your power. Tell them what you want them to do. “Would you like to come sit at the table for dinner?” should be “It’s dinner time, up to the table now.”
3. Often saying “no” gives children a sense of power. So, give them power in other ways, such age appropriate jobs around the house. Believe it or not, helping out gives children a sense of responsibility.
4. Check that they really mean no, as young children often love to say the word because it is short and strong. Don’t get involved if they are just having some fun with it. Continue with your activity, gently take them by the hand, and move them in the direction you want them to go. Use humour. Tickle them, smile. It is no fun having a power struggle with someone who is not fighting back.
5. Listen for feelings. If children are feeling upset they are unlikely to be obliging. Say, “It sounds like you are upset because you were really enjoying playing on the swing and now we have to go. I wish we didn’t have to go too!”
6. Accept “no” at the time, but discuss it later when you are both calm, to avoid power struggles (better to lose the battle to win the war). Recognise that children are just are trying to establish themselves as individuals. Talk about the circumstances where they can say no. Explain how to say it so that it doesn’t sound rude. And lastly, let them know that if they don’t agree to what you are suggesting, then they have to come up with another idea that you can both agree on.
7. Find a way to “yes”. Do you notice that you say “no” on many occasions? For example, your child may ask, “May I watch T.V?” Instead of saying “no”, you can reply, “You may watch T.V as soon as you finish your homework.” This reply is far more positive. It also establishes that you expect your child to be doing the right thing.
